Breakdowns
by MaliceUnchained
Summary: Devastated by grief and haunted by the deaths of those under her command, Admiral Kassai Lydana enacts a dangerous plan - to break into the past, and try to save her wife from her fate. With nothing left to lose, Lydana will stop at nothing to see the woman she loves returned to her - even turning her back on the Federation, and everything she ever stood for.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Here it is at last! The third and final instalment of Kassai Lydana's story. Many thanks as always to my friend Kretolus, who will no doubt be extremely happy to see this :D**

 **Hope you like it, folks!**

* * *

Kassai Lydana, Rear Admiral in Starfleet Intelligence, stood to attention before the desk of her commanding officer, Vice Admiral DeVare. The cherubic admiral's face, normally bright and smiling, was scowling at the young woman in front of him, his eyes dark with concern.

"I wish I could say I wasn't sorry to see you here, Lydana," he told her, "but the events that have been brought to my attention...are somewhat disturbing."

Lydana stared straight ahead, her eyes unfocused, and apparently favouring her right side.

"Sorry to hear that sir," she said flatly, her voice lacking the usual vitality that DeVare was used to. He sighed heavily, and turned his attention to the PADD in front of him.

"So what happened to you?"

"I fell, sir," she answered in that same cold, dead voice.

"You fell?" His tone was dubious, at best, and he read a list from the PADD. "Let's see...a black eye, three broken ribs, fractured clavicle, a number of torn ligaments in both legs and a dislocated shoulder. Care to change your answer?"

"It was a long fall, sir," Lydana answered numbly.

So complete was her fugue that she barely even flinched when DeVare slammed his hands down on the desk.

"God _dammit_ , Lydana!" he shouted. "You are an Admiral in Starfleet, and as such you represent us wherever you go. That means when you turn up at Quark's, get drunk and start a bar fight with _Klingons_ , people are going to notice!"

He sighed again, returning his attention to the PADD in front of him.

"And that isn't even the most disturbing thing here. What's this about trying to deliberately break into the Mirror Universe?"

"It was a failed experiment sir, nothing more."

DeVare's lip curled in annoyance, and nodded at her.

"Yes, and a damn good job it _did_ fail, or else I may not have been able to protect you from the repurcussions." He pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath before looking at her again.

"Lydana...what is going on?" he asked, his voice softer. "I know that Subadmiral S'Vae's death was particularly traumatic for you, but you can't allow yourself to lose the plot like this." He massaged his temples with his fingers, closing his eyes for a moment. "Perhaps you should explain what happened after you were released?"

Lydana's eyes finally lowered, staring straight at DeVare with little emotion. For someone who had seen her at her best, it was harrowing to see Lydana at her absolute worst. He could see in those eyes not just pain, but a willingness to end everything simply because she felt she had lost it all.

However, she didn't reply to him, instead just staring with those cold, lifeless eyes.

DeVare stared back at her, before tossing the PADD aside and leaning forwards again.

"Take some time off, Lydana," he told her softly. "Go home. Or perhaps go to New Romulus, spend some time with your adopted family, grieve, get it out of your system. You are no good to us like this, and if what I've heard is true, we are going to need you at your best very soon."

"Is that an order, sir?" she asked, her voice as lifeless as her expression, and he gave her a choppy nod.

"You're damn right it is. Get out of her, Lydana, and I don't want to see you again until you're fit to return to duty."

She saluted in silence, even that simple action lacking any emotion or energy, and she limped out of the room.

"Come back to us soon, Lydana," DeVare said aloud to the empty office, "we're going to need you out there very, very soon."

* * *

Lydana stood at the shuttle dock, staring at the vessels flitting in and out of the station without truly seeing them. Since the defence of New Romulus, nothing had felt right – her whole world, her very reason for living, had been torn away from her.

Loraya S'Vae, Subadmiral in the Romulan Republic and Lydana's own wife, had sacrificed herself and the ruin of her ship to destroy an Elachi command dreadnought, which gave the rest of the allied fleet the opening they needed to destroy the rest of the opposition.

But for Lydana, all that mattered to her was that her wife, her first and only love, was gone.

She still had a store of information, regarding the Mirror Universe and a large section on time travel, and she knew she hadn't exhausted all her options. The Mirror Universe was, admittedly, a bad idea – although the people who inhabited it were the same, their lives and personalities were often drastically different. If Lydana had succeeded in breaking through, she had no guarantee that the Loraya of that reality would be anything like the Loraya she knew.

That, then, left time travel, to try and find Loraya _before_ the defence of New Romulus, and save her from her fate.

Lydana couldn't care less about the timeline, the Temporal Prime Directive or any other rules and regulations. All she wanted was her wife, alive and safe once again. Anything else was irrelevant.

After leaving the shuttle dock, Lydana walked absently around the rest of the space station, lacking in any purpose or direction.

That was, until she found out a _Rhode Island_ -class science ship was in one of the drydock cradles, undergoing some routine maintenance.

Small, fast and agile, she realised that such a ship might be just the thing she needed. Without expression, she nodded to herself and headed back to the shuttle bay, eventually finding the craft that was heading to the dock she wanted. As the shuttle began its journey, Lydana focussed on formulating a plan – this would be difficult, and could potentially end her career if it failed, but if it worked...

It was worth the risk. Anything was worth it, just to bring her back.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Oh, look! Another chapter! Huzzah!**

 **Again, thanks to Kretolus for help and support, and for being awesome!**

* * *

Lydana spent some time examining the reports on the _Venus_ , sister ship to the _Rhode Island_ -class vessel that was destroyed at New Romulus. So many lives lost that day, and too many of them Lydana considered her fault. Her own task force had suffered catastrophic damage, and yet she still led them back into the fire when Loraya died.

The voices of the dead in her nightmares had grown in number, and they were led by the woman she had loved so dearly. If only she had tried harder, arrived sooner, fought more viciously, none of it would have happened...or so she believed.

Too much blood was on her hands, and Loraya's stained her worst of all. She would bring her back, and make it right.

The Bajoran nodded in satisfaction, noticing that the _Venus_ was almost finished with her repairs and would be released in a few hours. That didn't leave her much time...but she was used to that. She already knew what to do.

She moved over to a wall panel, glancing around her before entering a sequence of commands. She scrubbed at her eyes, cursing her lack of sleep, and carried on working.

She was so engrossed in what she was doing, she didn't hear the dockworker approaching her from behind.

"Excuse me, miss," he said firmly, causing Lydana to whirl around in shock, "what do you think you're- oh, Admiral Kassai," he said, recognising the Federation's youngest admiral. "Forgive me ma'am, I didn't know it was you. Is...there something I can help you with?"

Lydana struggled to think straight, to concoct a believable lie.

"I...no, thank you," she said, forcing the ghost of a smile. "I was...I was just...seeing how she was doing." She gestured behind her, in the direction of the berthed vessel. "I had her sister ship in my task force. A fine class, we need more like her."

The dockworker smiled sadly at her, and nodded. Everyone involved in the Federation knew her story now, when the reporters insisted on interviewing her after the battle of New Romulus. Her voice had cracked, the pain burned in her eyes, and all the worlds of the Federation felt her loss as she spoke of the bravery of her late wife. She had cut the interview short before she broke down, and the reporters were suddenly prevented from hounding her by a tall redhead with a furious expression, and a fair-haired young man whose anger didn't suit him.

"Well, you'll be pleased to know, she's about to be set loose again," he told her cheerfully. "Obviously we're not party to her orders, but I'm sure she'll be put to good use."

"So am I," Lydana said, silently wishing the human would just go away now.

"And...I apologise if this is out of line, ma'am, but...I'm sorry for your loss."

He was sure it was a mistake before he spoke, but seeing her reaction confirmed it. Fresh agony sparked in her dark eyes, already raw from grief, and her nostrils flared briefly as she fought to keep her emotions in check.

"Th-thank you," she said huskily, clearing her throat and trying not to break down. "I...should let you get on." Without waiting for a response she brushed past him, losing herself in the flow of staff before she caved in completely.

* * *

Lydana swore internally. She had almost completed her work when the dockworker showed up, throwing everything into disarray.

Still, she told herself, it wasn't like time was really of the essence. In a roundabout sort of way, time was all she had now.

She hid herself in one of the bathrooms, making some additional calculations on her tricorder and making sure she had everything set, while she waited for another. There was a shift change due, and that would be the ideal moment to-

Her tricorder beeped in warning at her, letting her know it was time, and she snapped it closed and hurried back to the wall console she'd used before.

Once again she checked for interruptions, making sure that everyone was clear this time, and hurriedly set to work again. A few workers were still on board the _Venus_ , but she could deal with that easily. A few more commands, and she'd accessed the ship's computer remotely, and in a few moments she had convinced the ship there was an on-board emergency.

There was a sudden thundering of feet down the boarding tube, as the remaining workers evacuated the ship to escape the 'emergency', and then Lydana activated her last few commands.

As she walked away from the console and down the boarding tube, the console she'd been working on wiped itself before overloading, detonating in a shower of sparks and setting off fresh alarms in the dock itself. Automated fire extinguishers activated, covering Lydana's intrusion into the boarding tube, but she could only hide so much.

The dockworker she'd spoken to before caught sight of her entering the boarding tube, and noticed with horror the descending emergency bulkhead. He called out to her repeatedly, telling her not to enter, but she ducked the bulkhead with ease and carried on, striding with determination towards her goal.

"Shit, the Admiralty are going to see me shot for this," he muttered to himself, tapping his commbadge. "Womers to Lieutenant Pezhal."

" _Pezhal here,"_ answered a weary female voice, _"what is it, Womers?"_

"Ma'am, a warp plasma leak was just detected on the _Venus_ , and the rest of my staff were just evacuated-"

" _So what, Womers? The system works, if everyone's okay then just get them away from there."_

Womers suppressed a sigh, trying not to irritate his CO further.

"But ma'am, I...don't think it's genuine. I saw Admiral Kassai tinkering with a wall console earlier, and now I've just watched her board the ship."

" _What?! Then get her back, you idiot!"_

Womers winced, certain that he would be facing Pezhal's legendary temper later.

"I...I can't, ma'am, the emergency bulkhead has already- oh, shit!"

He'd turned when he heard a few shouts of alarm, and swore when he looked out of the viewport and saw the _Venus_ powering up its engines, slowly making its way out of the dock.

"Ma'am, get on to-"

" _I see it, Womers!"_ Pezhal snapped, cutting the link and leaving Womers to bury his head in his hands.

 _I am so screwed,_ he thought, as a fresh alarm sounded, declaring the unauthorised departure of a ship from the dock. _I am_ really _screwed._

Lydana's hands darted over the helm console, and she prayed she could remember her piloting courses properly – it had been a long time since she'd flown anything larger than a runabout, and even then it had only been a simulation at the academy. Once the course was set, she hurried back to the Ops console, ensuring the shields were active and doing her best to mask the warp signature. That, at least, she knew well enough, it being a mixture of science and engineering, and once she was satisfied that was done she made her way back to the helm.

A tone sounded across the bridge, indicating that she was being hailed, and she swore viciously. She'd hoped to have more time before they caught on, but she supposed that was too much to ask.

She paused in her stride, briefly toying with the idea of answering the hail, before she carried on and sat at the helm controls again. The tone sounded again, and this time she ignored it, bringing the warp drive up to full power.

"Hold on, my love," she muttered to herself, "I'm coming for you."

She double-checked her course, heaved a deep sigh, and engaged the warp engines, sending the sleek vessel hurtling away from Earth Spacedock and the remains of her career.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry this one is so long, but it was necessary to get everything in it! Many, many thanks to Kretolus for his help and for the special guest star :D**

 **Please, read and review, and I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Lydana woke with a start, realising that she had dozed off in the captain's chair. As she had suspected, her sleep had been haunted with visions of the dead, condemning her for her role in their fates. And worse, the voices of the unquiet dead were lead by her late wife, Loraya.

She sat up straighter, scrubbing at her weary eyes with her hands while she tried to shake off the guilt she felt at Loraya's death. She was certain she could have done more to prevent the Romulan's suicide charge, and no amount of counselling or logic could convince her otherwise.

She checked the console at her side, satisfied that the ship was still on course, and that as yet no-one had caught up to her. With luck, she was going to make it to her destination uncontested.

Although Franklin Drake had wiped the co-ordinates for the Bepi 113 system from her ship's memory, he couldn't do the same for _Lydana's_ memory, and she had memorised the location for Intelligence's purposes.

The Bepi 113 system was not on most starcharts, meaning most captains wouldn't know to even look for her there. It was also home to an immense star, with such a phenomenal strength of gravity that it could be used to slingshot a ship around the star, generating incredible speeds – which, when coupled with certain deflector modifications, allowed said ship to tear a hole in the fabric of time and appear at another point in the past or future.

She just hoped she could get the temporal co-ordinates correct again...

* * *

As the _Venus_ dropped out of warp, Lydana realised she was running out of time – a Starfleet vessel had finally caught her trail, and was not far behind her. She worked quickly, trying to work out which ship it was while also trying to adjust the deflector settings. When she realised which ship had almost caught up to her, she swore repeatedly.

Of _course_ it would be the _Shadow of Bajor_.

She hurried over to the helm, setting the course and speed for a slingshot around the immense orange star, and hesitated for a sliver of a moment before diverting all power to the engines. As the slender ship began moving, she ran back to the ops station and waited for the perfect moment, her finger hovering over the deflector control – and then at last, she ran out of time.

" _This is Captain Flores of the_ Shadow of Bajor _to the Venus, you are ordered to stand down."_

 _Captain_ Flores? Well, they certainly didn't waste time giving her ship away!

While Lydana was pondering over Starfleet's quick dismissal of her command, Elisa hailed her again.

" _Admiral...Lyddie. I know you're over there. Please, don't do what you're thinking of doing! You have to think of the-"_

Lydana closed the channel, looking back at her display and taking one final, deep breath, before stabbing the deflector activation key.

As the _Venus_ finally hit peak velocity, the charge in the deflector was finally directed ahead of the ship, tearing a hole in the fabric of time and allowing the science vessel to vanish completely.

* * *

Lydana picked herself up from the floor, where she'd fallen when the ship accelerated suddenly, and examined the readings from her station. Despite the engines being knocked offline, it appeared she'd been successful – she had managed to arrive before the Battle for New Romulus, which meant-

Wait...was that a _ship?_

She frowned at the readings, certain that her eyes were tricking her. She scrubbed at them viciously, wishing that she'd managed to get more sleep, then re-checked her sensors.

There was _definitely_ a ship there...and it didn't match any known profile in Starfleet's database. What was it doing there?

When the strange ship began hailing her, she realised she would be about to find out.

Out of confusion and curiosity, she accepted the hail,and the viewscreen changed to show a grey starship bridge, lit with pale blue lights. A young, raven-haired woman was gazing out from it at Lydana, her intense green eyes slightly narrowing as she saw the admiral. The uniform she wore was mostly black, with the right arm, shoulder and part of the chest covered in a blue diamond pattern.

"This is Captain Anais Grom of the Federation Timeship Eternal," she announced, her voice melodious and calm. "Kassai Lydana, your presence in this timeline is in direct violation of the Temporal Prime Directive. Stand down now, and there won't be any consequences."

The warning was delivered in a more hopeful tone, rather than threatening, but her eyes didn't leave Lydana for a moment, judging her reaction.

 _Shit_ , Lydana thought, cursing herself for not counting on Temporal Investigations. She should have known that if she was planning to alter the timeline, they would have become involved, but in her fatigue she had evidently forgotten to take them into account.

"I...I'm afraid I can't do that, Captain," Lydana said, her voice shaking slightly as she fought to stay on her feet. "I am out of options. I have suffered too much, given all I possibly can, and the universe has only seen fit to take away those I care about. By the grace of the Prophets, it's about _fucking_ time the universe gave something back!"

She had realised the intensity of her own emotions, and as she made her final statement tears trailed down her cheeks.

Anais sighed, leaning back in her chair and looking at Lydana, her brow furrowing in thought. She turned her head to the side and made a small hand gesture, and the transmission cut out a second later. After a moment, a multicoloured beam illuminated the bridge of Lydana's stolen ship, fading away to reveal the Temporal Agent in person. She locked eyes with the Bajoran, clasping her hands behind her back and straightening up.

"I sympathise with your plight, and talking to you in person will allow me to keep this off the record." Anais sighed again, keeping her tone soft and friendly. "I'll tell you now that I _am_ authorised to destroy your ship if I have to. The effect of your death, while significant, will not compare to what will happen if I allow you to carry on with this... _plan_."

She took a careful step closer to Lydana, her eyes still focussed on the Admiral's.

"Many have tried this before, and all have failed, just as you will. This is not a good path to go down."

Lydana took a step back, uncertain of Anais' intentions. The tears were falling uncontrollably now, and she shook with the need to collapse and sleep, but she refused to give in. She had to make this intruder see she had no other choice. She _had_ to.

"Y...you can't know what I'm going through," she told the temporal captain in a small voice, oblivious to her tears. "When my wife died, I lost _everything_ worth fighting for. I...I can't back down. I have to save her, and I will break time itself to get her back if that's what it takes."

Anais smiled sadly, shaking her head.

"You won't succeed. Time has a way of fighting back, and it will always take from you no matter what you do, causing you yet more hurt. Finally, you'd lose your mind and your actions would cause billions of lives to be lost." She took another step forward, spreading her arms in a warm, welcoming gesture. "You have to accept that she's gone, there is no other way."

Once again Lydana took a step back, not wanting this stranger to get too close to her. Temporal agents had access to incredible technology, and there was no telling what she could do to Lydana if she closed the distance.

"You speak...as if I've already tried this," Lydana managed, stumbling slightly as her weary body betrayed her. She caught the edge of the ops console, using it to keep herself upright as she continued.

"I don't know...what you've seen in the timeline, but nothing...nothing else matters to me. What other option do I have? What...what am I meant to do without her?"

At last she ran out of strength, and she collapsed to her knees as she gave full vent to her grief.

"I can't...I can't give up," she sobbed, "not when I am so close."

Anais approached her slowly, kneeling in front of her.

"You _have_ already done this," she said softly, "and it didn't work." She paused for a moment, as if fighting an internal battle, before sighing again. "First time it was your wife's sense of duty that foiled your plan. She wouldn't avoid the battle, realised the consequences that would bring, so she made that sacrifice willingly again. So you tried again, this time altering her assignments so she was too far away from New Romulus to intervene. But like I said, time dislikes being manipulated, so your wife died in an ambus anyway. So you tried again. And again. And again."

She reached out, gently touching Lydana's shoulder in a helpful, reassuring gesture.

"You have the strength within you to carry on. Death is a part of all our lives, always has been, and always will be. You need to focus on accepting that your wife is no longer with you, on preserving her memory instead of destroying all that you and her stood and fought for. She wouldn't have wanted this, Lydana, and you know it."

Lydana closed her eyes, hanging her head in grief and shame, knowing that the temporal agent was right and yet feeling powerless to do what she needed.

"You don't know me, Captain," Lydana said, her voice scarcely higher than a whisper. "You don't know of my strength...or lack of it."

The Bajoran shifted, pulling down the edge of her collar and turning slightly, showing the small scar at her neck to Anais.

"There is the truth of it, Captain. My mark of shame, the evidence that I haven't got the strength you think I do. I tried to take my own life because I lacked the strength to go on without her, and then I lacked the strength to follow through and end my life. What...what am I supposed to do, Captain? I can't...I can't go on anymore."

She hung her head once again, burying her face in her hands, but no longer having any tears to shed.

Anais shuffled slightly closer, tentatively putting her arms around the Bajoran.

"That scar is a mark of strength. You were strong enough not to take your own life, not the other way around. You stopped yourself, pushed yourself to carry on on despite feeling hopeless. You don't give yourself enough credit, and as I understand it, you never did."

She ran a hand over Lydana's back in another gesture of reassurance.

"I can't let you change time, and I can't even take you back to see your wife again. But I have a way to help you move on with your grief...a way granted by someone who knows you better than you think, and who has always seen the strength that's in you, just as your wife did. You have friends who are more than willing to help you through this, Lydana, all you have to do is let them."

Lydana took a deep shuddering breath, leaning back to sit on her feet and met Anais' eyes. She was silent for a moment, her dark eyes searching for sincerity in Anais' emerald depths, and she realised the temporal agent was completely honest. There was no malice or anger in her eyes, simply the desire to help the Bajoran however she could, and without understanding why she blushed as she looked away.

"Very well, Anais," Lydana said at last, heaving a weary sigh. "I'm...I'm so tired, of feeling like this. I don't have anything left to give, nothing left to keep me going. I either want to die and join my wife, or come to terms with her passing so that I can honour her memory. Anything you or your friends can do to help...I'm willing to listen."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Once again, many many thanks to my good friend Kretolus, for his help with special guest star, Captain Anais Grom :D Also with all his advice and help with Star Trek related things! Check out his stories, he's awesome :D**

 **Hope you enjoy this next chapter!**

* * *

Lydana awoke to an unfamiliar medbay, her fatigued mind slowly catching back up to the events of the previous day.

She'd been brought aboard the _Eternal_ , and taken straight to the medbay to be treated for malnutrition and exhaustion, and the chief medical officer had thankfully given her something to keep the nightmares at bay for one night.

She pushed herself to a sitting position, catching the attention of another medical officer who rushed over to her.

"Please, take it easy, Admiral," he said softly, keeping his hands up to catch the Bajoran if she fell. She waved him away, content to just sit up, feeling less tired but still emotionally raw.

"I'm okay, thank you," she said hoarsely, and before she could ask he had acquired a small cup of water for her.

She wanted nothing more than to drink the whole cup in one go, but she knew that could do more harm than good, so she sipped it carefully while she attempted to marshal her thoughts.

"Where...where is the captain?" she asked weakly, not looking at the officer – instead she took off her commbadge, staring down at the Starfleet insignia, running a thumb over it lightly.

"No doubt on the bridge, Admiral," he answered, taking the cup when she handed it back to him. "Shall I see if she is free?"

Lydana nodded silently, and the young man walked away to see to her request.

Lydana looked around, noticing a small cart loaded with medical instruments not far from her bed, and she reached over and pulled it closer. She set the commbadge next to the instruments, then reached up to her collar and took off her rank insignia, staring at them with a sense of regret before placing them on the tray as well.

"The Captain will be down shortly, Admiral," the medical officer told her, and she nodded sullenly.

"Thank you," she said a moment later, still not looking at him.

As she looked down at the symbols of her status – symbols that told of her skill, her achievements, and the Admiralty's faith in her, all at once – she felt an overwhelming sense of regret and shame. She had betrayed everything she once stood for, and not for the first time...but undoubtedly the last. She was disgusted by her actions, ashamed of her behaviour, and she slowly shed her uniform jacket as well, leaving that in a pile on the floor.

She gripped the edge of the bed, a swell of emotions and thoughts racing through her tortured mind, and she hung her head as she began to cry quietly.

A few moments later, the door to the medbay slid open, and Anais strode in. After one glance at Lydana, she gestured for the medical officer to leave as she made her way towards the Bajoran.

"I'm told you wanted to see me?" she said, her tone soothing, as she knelt down briefly to pick up Lydana's jacket, folding it quickly and hanging it over the handle of the cart,

"Sorry if I made a mess," Lydana sobbed, "I just...I don't feel like I deserve to wear that uniform anymore."

There was a moment of silence between the two women, and eventually Lydana scrubbed at her eyes, drying her tears and sniffing loudly.

"What...what's going to happen to me?"

Anais smiled sadly.

"I'm going to drop you off with Eilis back in your own timeline. She'll help you deal with your emotions. Then..." she paused briefly. "She'll take you to Earth, where I imagine you'll face a court martial."

She reached out, and gently placed a hand on the Bajoran's shoulder.

"How it goes, and what happens next, will be up to you."

Lydana gave a humourless chuckle, shaking her head in sorrow.

"Prophets...whaat must people think of me now? What must _you_ think? I've ruined everything, and I deserve nothing else than to be dishonourably discharged."

"I don't think so." Anais shook her head. "You've been under a lot of pressure from the day you got your first command. The day you weren't exactly prepared for." She sat down on Lydana's bed, turning her head to face the Bajoran. "And the death of a loved one is never easy to deal with. I don't believe you're at fault here, Lydana." Her smile widened slightly. ""I know Eilis doesn't either. I think she mentioned something about preparing a defence for you, since you won't really have time for that." She nodded thoughtfully. "And I'll make sure that Temporal Investigations doesn't press charges, since technically you haven't done anything."

The Admiral stayed silent, stunned that people she didn't know would go so far to help her.

"Do you know who I admire the most?" she asked, seemingly apropos of nothing,and continued without waiting for a response. "Adnmiral Janeway. For as long as I can remember I've tried to be like her – strong, resourceful, compassionate, but a force to be reckoned with when things go wrong. She's my idol...but I doubt even she would have gone this far. I betrayed her legacy the moment I used my authority and skills for my own ends – ends that could have destroyed everything."

She sighed softly, and turned to meet Anais' eyes.

"Thank you, Captain. For saving me from myself...regardless of what I have to face now."

"Don't mention it," Anais said with a smile, and after thinking for a moment she leaned in slightly closer and lowered her voice. "And, you know, Janeway caused her fair share of temporal incidents. Seemed to have a real knack for it. A part of her career that's best not imitated, hmm?" She gave Lydana a wink, grinning broadly.

Despite the Captain's lighthearted nature, Lydana couldn't bring herself to smile back.

"I should get ready, I suppose," she said, her tone subdued. "Thank you again for all you've done. Will...will I see you again, after this?"

"Hopefully under better circumstances," Anais replied, patting Lydana's shoulder in a friendly gesture, before getting up. "We never know what the future holds." She smiled at Lydana again, hoping to see even a ghost of a reciprocation.

Lydana managed a weak, lopsided smile back, then scrubbed at her eyes again.

"I...I should get changed then. I expect I'll see you when we rendezvous with Eilis."

Anais nodded before bidding the Admiral farewell, and left her to her thoughts.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: So, the next post is up! With special guests Anais Grom, Eilis O'Neill, and Johnathan Frakes as Commander William Riker!***

 **Many thanks to Kretolus for the loan of his characters for this story - check out his STO tale Command Collapse for more Eilis O'Neill awesomeness!**

 ***Subject to avaliability. Conditions apply.**

* * *

When they met again, Lydana had changed into a Bajoran-styled dress of deep blue, silently annoyed at how long it had taken her to replicate one – the ship's advanced nature had been evident, since the design was listed under 'Historical Attire'.

Her dark, chestnut hair had been pulled back into a plain ponytail, the Bajoran lacking the self-confidence to do anything more with it, and she sighed as the Temporal Captain led her to the transporter room.

"I guess this is it then, Anais," Lydana sighed, afraid of what her future held now. "I wish we had met under better circumstances...and I'm sorry for my stupidity."

"We all make mistakes,"Anais replied, offering Lydana a reassuring smile. "Try not to beat yourself up about it too much. Just look to the future, and strive to do better."

Lydana nodded, unsure why their imminent parting brought tears to her eyes. She paused for a moment, then surprised them both by embracing Anais in a warm hug.

"Thank you," she whispered softly, before stepping on to the transporter pad. "Energise," she said without thinking, but Anais repeated the order to the transporter chief, and in a moment the sterile, clinical walls of the _Eternal_ were replaced with a design Lydana was more familiar with, on board the _Excelsior_ -class cruiser _Relentless_ – named for its predecessor, lost in the same battle where Loraya gave her life.

* * *

Standing before the transporter pad, looking far healthier than when they'd last met, was the captain of both _Relentless_ vessels, Captain Eilis O'Neill. Lydana stepped forwards, unsure how to greet the older woman now – if Eilis would be angry at her, or if she would understand her grief.

"Hello again, Captain," she offered quietly, after clearing her throat nervously.

"Welcome aboard, Admiral," Eilis replied, inclining her head respectfully. "I am pleased to see you in one piece."

"The number of pieces I am in rather depends on your perspective, but thank you, nonetheless," Lydana said, giving the Zan-Ethi woman a lopsided smile that didn't reach her eyes. "And please...don't call me 'Admiral'. I think I have lost the right to any respect due to a rank I no longer deserve."

Eilis tilted her head to the side, watching the Bajoran for a moment.

"I don't think that is for you to decide, Admiral," she said, smiling. "This situation is not yet resolved, and how you deal with the consequences will decide about loss or growth of respect. Starfleet would show incredible short-sightedness by having you demoted, ma'am, but that is a fact that you must realise as well."

Lydana blushed at the quiet praise, still surprised that Eilis was so much wiser than herself, yet still only a Captain. Eventually she simply nodded, conceding the point to the taller woman, before allowing the Captain to lead the way out of the transporter room.

"So...what's going to happen now?" Lydana asked warily, unsure of what to expect. The Zan-Eth were an unusual species, and few of them ever left their homeworld to join Starfleet, so their unique psychic abilities were mostly a mystery.

"We'll start on our way towards Earth. Your ship is likely already prepared for towing," Eilis replied, turning her head to the Bajoran as they walked through the corridors. "During our travel, I'd like to see if I can help you, ma'am."

"The _Venus_ wasn't my ship, Captain," Lydana corrected with a sigh. "Not the first time I've stolen a Starfleet vessel. The third, in fact. She just happened to be the biggest." She sighed again, shaking her head sadly. "Honestly, I have no idea what you can do for me – I've had one of your people on my crew for Prophets-know how long, and I'm _still_ none the wiser as to how your abilities work. Just what do you and Anais think you can do for me?"

Eilis walked in silence for a few moments.

"There is an old Zan-Eth ritual I'd like to attempt. As far as I am aware it has never been attempted with someone outside of our race, so I cannot promise it will work. But if it does, I believe your mind will be set on a path to heal."

Lydana stopped suddenly, catching Eilis' arm to stop her from walking on ahead.

"I...I have no idea what this might cost you personally," she said, looking up at Eilis' calm features, "but...thank you, Captain. For the attempt. For the testimony you're giving at my inevitable court-martial. For...for giving me another chance."

"It's the right thing to do, Admiral." Eilis smiled, and gave Lydana a small nod. "I do hope the ritual works. If it doesn't, I'll still try to help, as best I can."

"Still...thank you," Lydana repeated softly, before allowing Eilis to carry on leading the way. "So...they gave you an _Excelsior_ -class?" she asked, changing the subject. "Have to say, I'm slightly jealous."

"She is a fine ship," Eilis said with a nod. "Very capable. But I don't see a reason for you to be jealous, Admiral. The _Shadow_ very much outclasses her."

"Well, you're not wrong," Lydana said wistfully. "Prophets, I miss that ship. After all this...I doubt they'll give me a command ever again." Lydana sighed again, running a hand through her hair. "Hell, they've already promoted my First Officer to Captain, and given _her_ command of the _Shadow_."

"Starfleet needs capable captains, now more than ever," Eilis mused, before pausing in front of one of the doors. "Here is where you will be staying, Admiral. Best quarters on the ship."

Lydana placed a hand on the door for a moment, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.

"I...I'm afraid, Eilis," she said quietly, using the captain's name for the first time since coming aboard. "If this ritual doesn't work...I don't know what I'll do. Recent events have shown me what I'm capable of, and I-I can't go back to that. Will...will I need to prepare, or anything?"

"I'm not sure," Eilis answered honestly. "You should rest for now. I will make the necessary preparations on my side, and I will have Jidzi come for you when I'm ready." She thought for a moment, before sighing. "I will take every precaution to ensure success."

"Thank you," Lydana said, meeting Eilis' eyes at last. I guess...I'll see you when you're ready then, Captain. Until later."

After that, Lydana hit the entry key for her room and entered, her movements those of a woman defeated, and promptly dropped onto the sofa and fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Once again, huge thanks to Kretolus for his contributions, with our special gust star Eilis O'Neill. Seriously, you guys need to go to his page and check out his stuff, especially Command Collapse which is just brilliant.**

 **I hope the rest of you enjoy this chapter. Please review if you read it!**

* * *

"Well, here we are, Admiral." Jidzi smiled, gesturing to the door. "The captain is waiting for you."

"My thanks, Commander," Lydana replied with a nod, taking a deep breath and smoothing imagined creases out of her dress. "I...I hope I haven't been a problem to your crew or your captain. If I have, I'm sorry."

At that, she hit the door chime, and waited nervously.

"Not at all, ma'am." Jidzi replied. "Always happy to help."

"Enter." Eilis' voice came from the inside of her quarters.  
"I'll leave you to it, Admiral." Jidzi nodded, gesturing for the Bajoran to go into the room.

Lydana nodded to the Trill, then entered Eilis' quarters, attempting to keep her back straight to at least _look_ confident.

"Captain," she said as she saw Eilis, "I assume you've found what you needed?"

"I have." Eilis nodded. "I have done what I could, and am now certain the ritual will work." She smilled. "However, if it proves effective remains to be seen."

"At this point, Captain, I'll try anything," the Bajoran answered, her tone subdued. "What do I need to do?"

"Please, follow me." Eilis replied, leading Lydana into her bedroom. The room was filled with short, burning candles, filling it with a pleasant scent. Eilis sat cross-legged down on a cushion on the floor by the foot of her bed, gesturing towards a similar one opposite her, indicating for Lydana to sit.

Lydana obeyed, crossing her legs as she took the offered cushion.  
"Will this be anything like a Vulcan mind meld?" she asked nervously. "Because I've not experienced one of those, either."

Eilis hummed thoughtfully. "There are similarities." She replied, her voice calm and carrying reassurance. "But a mind meld is broad, encompassing the whole of a mind. This ritual is targeted, as you will be able to share with only a specific part of my memory."

Lydana nodded, then took a derp breath and sighed.  
"Okay. I'm ready...I guess."

Eilis gestured around the room. "The scent from the candles will help your body to relax, and your mind to calm." She turned back to the Bajoran. "Close your eyes and try to quiet your thoughts. Let the wave of peace and quiet wash over you."

Once again, Lydana did as she was told, inhaling the gentle scent that permeated the air. She felt the strain of several months seeping out of her muscles, her body and mind relaxing in a way she hadn't managed since Loraya's death.

For the first time since then, she felt at ease.

"Good." Eilis said in a hushed, calm tone. "Now lean forward slightly." She rested her hand on Lydana's shoulder and guided her into the correct position. "And now the most important part. Focus your mind on the memory of the one you lost. Remember the precious moments of being with them."

This is what Lydana feared. She knew that such memories were going to be painful, but she also knew she had to move past her grief.  
She focussed on Loraya, the happiest and most precious moments with her - when they investigated Dewa Three, when they kissed, when they made love...so many memories, half forgotten by the pain she had felt since her loss. The thoughts filled her mind, and Lydana choked back a sob as she recalked their wedding on Bajor, as tears began their steady course down her cheeks.

Eilis leaned in, closing her eyes as well, their forheads touching.  
There was a sudden pull on Lydana's mind, throwing her thoughts briefly into chaos, her head spinning. She felt a pair of arms gently holding her up.  
When she opened her eyes she realized she was standing up, Eilis helping her stay upright. The environment around them had shifted, to the familiar medbay of the Shadow of Bajor.  
"Your bond, your feelings towards your wife are strong." Eilis said soothingly, smiling. "The ritual has worked."

Lydana looked around in astonishment, stunned by what she could see.  
"I...so...what happens now?" she asked, her voice cracking slightly under the weight of her emotions.

"You get the chance not many get." Eilis replied, extending her hand towards one of the medbay beds. In a flash of purple light, Loraya appeared lying on it, eyes closed, her chest raising and falling steadily. "A chance for one, last goodbye."

Lydana's breath hitched as she saw the woman she loved so dearly once again. Bizarrely, she found herself afraid to move, afraid of what to do or say.  
"Will-" she had to pause as her voice cracked, and swallowed. "Will she...hear me? Respond?"

"I have spent quite a bit of time talking to your wife's various friends and associates. My mind compile all of that information, including my own, as well as your experience of your wife into this image." Eilis explained, resting a reassuring hand on Lydana's shoulder. "She is as complete a memory as I could manage. She should behave and interact with you exactly like your wife would, in every way." She offered the Bajoran a sad smile. "In this case, how she would behave on her death bed."

Lydana made a small, strangled sob, and slowly approached the bed.

Eilis was right - the image of Loraya was perfect, and fresh tears rolled down the Bajoran's cheeks as she held Loraya's hand.

The Romulan stirred as if waking from a deep sleep, turning to look at Lydana, and smiling weakly.

"Hello...my sweet," she said, her voice hoarse and frail. It was all Lydana could do to hold on, and not run away from the agony of the moment.

"Hello, love," she answered finally, clutching Loraya's hand tighter. "I...don't know how long we have..."

"Not...not long, love," Loraya whispered. "Still...given the chance...I'd do it all again...for you."

"I made so many mistakes since then," Lydana sobbed. "I have so much to put right...i haven't honoured your legacy as I should have..."

The Loraya-memory shushed her, stroking her cheek with her free hand.

"There is always time, dearest," she said, "time to make amends...and do what you know is right." The image of Loraya made a noise of pain, and Lydana knew she was almost out of time.

"Raya...I love you, so much, and I know...I know you'll be watching over me," she cried, her words tumbling out in a rush. "I love you, and I miss you and- and-" she swallowed, tooka deep breath and tried again.

"And...I came...to say goodbye."

The Loraya-memory smiled, nodding gently, and closing her eyes.

"That's...my good girl...I will be watching...over you...always..."

With that, the image faded away, leaving Lydana sobbing brokenly over the bed, all of her grief, anger and pain pouring out of her as she let go at last.

* * *

After giving her some time alone, to openly get the pent up emotions out, Eilis appeared by her side, gently wrapping her arm around the Bajoran in a comforting gesture. "Now, finally, you can truly grieve." She said quietly, her tone soothing. "And after will come the time of healing. A time your friends will help you face."

"Assuming...I have any left," Lydana sobbed, scrubbing at her eyes. "But...thank you, Eilis. From the bottom of my heart, thank you."

"It's what friends are for, Lydana." Eilis smiled warmly.

"Well, now there is just one tbing left to face," she said with a heavy sigh. "If you don't mind, I'd like to return to my quarters for a while. I should...I should meditate. Pray. Prepare, for what is to come."

"Of course." Eilis nodded.  
The view shifted again, and they were once again back in Eilis' quarters. The Zan-Eth woman collapsed to the side, barely managing to hold herself up on her arm before hitting the floor. She blinked rapidly a few times, her eyes refusing to open more than half-way. She took a deep, steadying breath. "I'm... sorry, Admiral. This experience has been... more tiring than I... anticipated."

Lydana moved to help her up, looking at her with a concerned expression.  
"Are you alright? Do you need to go to sickbay?"

"I'll be fine." Eilis responded, smiling at the woman. "I just need to rest. Don't worry about me, ma'am."

"Fine," Lydana answered, her voice sounding closer to natural now, "but I'm getting Commander Grahn down here to see to you. And I will pull rank if I have to," she added, with a lop-sided smile.

Eilis huffed in amusement. "Oh, I doubt you'll have to." She lifted herself onto the bed. "She'll likely grab the doctor on the way too."

Lydana helped her sit, then moved to the Captain's replicator and prepared her a drink.  
"Kava juice, good for the nerves," she said with a weak chuckle, sniffing loudly. "Anyway, I had better go. I'll get word to the Commander in a moment. Good-bye for now, Eilis. No doubt I'll see you when we reach Earth."

"No doubt." Eilis replied, toasting her with her cup. "I do plan on speaking during your court martial, Admiral, so that much is inevitable." She offered the Bajoran a weak smile. "In any case, if you need anything, just let someone from my crew know."

Lydana nodded.

"I will. And...thank you again. I feel I might actually be able to...to move on from this, now. See you later, Captain."

Before Eilis could reply, Lydana exited the room, and began to make her way back to her guest quarters.

And for the first time since the Battle of New Romulus, Lydana felt hope.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: It's late, so I won't say much. Only that I'm sorry this took so long, and immense thanks to Kretolus for being an awesome friend, and writing an epic speech for Eilis. Read his stuff. Just do it.**

 **Take care, and happy new year all!**

* * *

The journey to Earth passed in relative quiet, and Lydana was thankful to spend some time away from the conflict for a change. It seemed as if she had barely breathed since being thrust into command of the Steadfast, what felt like a lifetime previously, and now that she had returned she wasn't sure how to feel.

Nervous, certainly, since she had no idea how her trial would go, but also relieved...relieved that in one way or another, the whole sorry situation would be over.

Lydana waited in the transporter room, Eilis on the pad beside her, and the Bajoran took a deep breath to try and steady her nerves.

"Try to relax, Admiral," the captain said softly. "I give you my word I will do everything in my power to see you exonerated."

"Thank you, Eilis," Lydana answered, "but the Admiralty will decide my fate...and I will accept it regardless."

Eilis nodded in acknowledgement, then gave the order to energise, and Lydana had no time to begin worrying before the walls of the ship disappeared in a haze of light.

* * *

The guards were waiting.

As soon as they had materialised, one of the marine officers moved forwards, clasping Lydana's wrists in a pair of handcuffs.

"Kassai Lydana, you are under arrest for crimes against the Federation, for attempting to break the Temporal Prime Directive, for..."

Lydana tuned out the litany of transgressions she knew she was guilty of, and was promptly led to the courtroom where she would be immediately tried.

"This court is now in session," intoned one of the Feet Admirals gathered against her, and Lydana took a deep, shaking breath.

"Kassai Lydana, you are charged with breaking the Temporal Prime Directive, which is no small crime. But, you are also charged with theft of a Starfleet vessel, conduct unbecoming an officer, multiple charges of assault, and even criminal damage, no doubt incurred during a bar fight in Quark's. How do you plead?"

Lydana had to swallow twice before she could speak.

"Guilty, sirs," she admitted, "though I would like to point out-"

"If you are about to tell us that there were 'mitigating circumstances', I am afraid that will not work," the lead admiral told her, his voice firm and heavy with disgust at her actions. "I fail to see how anything could mitigate the near-destruction of the timeline, or attempting to break into the Mirror Universe, or the shame you have brought to the Starfleet uniform."

Lydana hung her head, not wanting them to see the fresh tears that coursed down her cheeks. She wanted to say so much, but her throat betrayed her, and the admiral carried on talking.

"It was all Admiral DeVare could do to ensure this trial was held privately, without any reporters. You are our youngest admiral, one of Starfleet's rising stars, and now..."

He spread his hands in a vacant gesture, and shook his head.

"Now, Lydana, I cannot say what you are. However," he added, lifting a PADD from the table at which the admirals were seated, "there are apparently those who wish to stand in your defence. Will Captain Flores take the stand, please?"

* * *

There were not many who spoke for her.

Elisa, whose testimony was torn to shreds in cross-examination, at least still believed in her friend, which gave Lydana some hope. Captain Myrryn, who was accused of favouring Lydana as a fellow Bajoran. Tenahbi, whose own attitude threw her testimony into question.

There was little hope left for her. That was, until Captain Eilis O'Neill was called to the stand.

"Admirals," she began, "I firmly believe that this trial is little more than a mistake. While there is no denying of Rear Admiral Kassai's actions, the circumstances which caused them, as well as the lack of a harmful outcome of any sort, lead me to believe that this court's ruling should have very limited severity.

"As it is known, a great tragedy struck Rear Admiral Kassai recently, the death of her beloved wife Subadmiral Loraya S'Vae. This has caused her an immeasurable amount of grief, which in turn pushed her to commit what she did. While I do not believe a death of a loved one is a valid excuse to go against Starfleet regulations, the circumstances surrounding Rear Admiral Kassai are quite unique.

Firstly, I would like to point out the astounding negligence on the part of Starfleet Intelligence, namely Vice Admiral DeVare, Rear Admiral Kassai's commanding officer, who failed to provide proper psychological care for his subordinate, in a misguided effort to not lose out on one of his best officers.

Secondly, Rear Admiral Kassai is a woman driven to action. That quality, which has been praised on many occasions by her superiors, peers and subordinates alike, is what has caused her to act out on a very natural, very 'human' temptation. A temptation to do everything in her power to at least try and bring her loved one back. A temptation that many of us have felt in the past, and I have not a shred of doubt, would have acted on if we saw the possibility of success.

Thirdly, I would like to remind this court of how fast Rear Admiral Kassai has ascended to her current rank. From my time in Starfleet I have seen, and experienced, what it's like to be pushed into command by circumstance, when one is unprepared for what they might face. Rear Admiral Kassai's career has been fraught with danger, which she managed to expertly overcome with her exceptional skill, both in science and command. Even still, she has been pushed further and further by Starfleet Command and Starfleet Intelligence, their eagerness to use Rear Admiral Kassai's remarkable ability blinding them to possible implications on her mental health.

Lastly, it is my firm belief that discharging, demoting or even suspending Rear Admiral Kassai from duty for any longer than is necessary for her to deal with her loss, would be a massive blow to Starfleet as a whole. Her achievements, at least those Starfleet Intelligence doesn't keep under lock and key, speak volumes of Rear Admiral Kassai's capability as a Starfleet officer. She is respected by her fellow officers, as well as the allies and enemies of the Federation alike.

To back up my point, I have compiled various reports that describe Rear Admiral Kassai, sourced from Starfleet, Klingon, and both Romulan Republic and Empire intelligence agencies. Their legitimacy has already been confirmed, but I would also like to vouch for it with my word and career. The Klingons often describe Rear Admiral Kassai with such words as 'fierce', 'honorable', 'skillful'. The Tal Shiar refer to her as 'incredibly cunning', 'an undeniable threat', 'a priority target'. Our allies in the Romulan Republic have nothing but words of praise for both her, and her instrumental role in bringing our people together. Our own intelligence went from 'promising' to 'irreplaceable asset'.

Ever since I've joined Starfleet, I have met few people more deserving of my respect than Rear Admiral Kassai. Her strides towards resolution of conflict, as well as support of her allies are nothing short of inspiring.

And since both Rear Admiral Kassai's and my careers have been surrounded by nothing but war, perhaps it would be a good time for Starfleet to show its benevolence.

Thank you, Admirals. That is all."

There was a taut silence following Eilis' speech, and what appeared to be some nervous shuffling from the Admirals. Lydana was utterly dumbfounded, certain that she would now either be executed or promoted, in the face of such powerful, unshakeable testimony.

The lead admiral cleared his throat, and began to speak.

"There...there will be a brief recess," he stated, and the change to his demeanor was obvious. "We will render our judgement within the hour."

* * *

One hour later, Lydana shook with emotion, weeping with relief as the admirals announced she was cleared of all charges. The offences she had committed at Deep Space Nine would be quietly removed, and her reinstatement as commanding officer of the _Shadow of Bajor_ would be immediate, as soon as she returned from some much-needed time off. She would also be assigned a councillor, she was told, though she barely acknowledged it.

As they left the courtroom, Lydana turned and embraced Eilis in a fierce hug.

"Thank you, Captain," she whispered. "Thank you for everything. If ever you need me, for whatever reason...I'll be there."

With that, she allowed herself to be led away by the rest of her friends and supporters, and she thanked the Prophets for all the friends she had made.


End file.
